BIZARRE PHOBIA BAFFLES DOCTORS

Hoots Mon! …  Sassenach Lilly Meaham is so terrified of bagpipes she has to lock herself in the loo every Hogmanay.

For the slighted skirl of the pipes makes the retired cleaner go WEAK at the knees, break out in a cold SWEAT and SKAKE uncontrollably.

“The sound of Scotland the Brave has me faint with fear.” Said 60-year-old Lilly yesterday. “And Flower of Scotland makes me wilt.”

Harley Street psychoanalyst Michael Whitenburgh admitted it was the most bizarre case he had ever come across.

“We treat people with all sorts of fears.” He said. “But I’ve never heard of anything like this before.”

Baffled Lilly, from Anfield, Liverpool, added “I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.

“I don’t know why, I’ve never even been to Scotland and my mother was certainly never chased by a Scotsman.

“Everyone else – including my husband Frank – thinks it’s hysterical. To me, though, it’s a very real problem.

“A friend keeps inviting me to visit her in  Scotland but I always turn her down.

“I imagine there’ll be a bagpipe on every street corner.”

SWEAT

Last night comic Bernard Manning had his own theory about Lilly’s strange phobia.

“Cold sweat, shaking, feeling faint….. sounds like an aversion to Billy Connolly than the bagpipes.” He said. And Scots comic Gregor Fisher – the man behind Rab C. Nesbitt – added: “Lilly may think she’s never been to Scotland, but what about in a previous life?

“Maybe she once fought the Scots and ended up with a bagpipe chanter in a nasty place.”

Bullseye host Jim Bowen said: “The pipes are enough to put the wind up anybody.”